Coffee, Tea or Avian Flu?

Life's little spurts of progressive luxuries certainly add sunlight -- and ease -- to the everyday.

Things like perfectly ground coffee beans, toasted rye and rice cookers. TJ's 21 seasoning salute, red pepper flakes and delectable saffron. Creamy cambozolas, gruyere-topped-gratins and the always-available gourmet olive bars in most markets.

Culinary creations have jumped amazing hurdles -- long before Emeril convinced middle America to drive by McDonald's and opt for healthier fats.

Which is why I'm continuously perplexed -- whether seated in 36B or 12A -- by this simple, yet unappealing question: "Chicken or beef?"

If the rest of the globe has caught on to the magic of simple-yet-delicious foods, why does American Airlines insist on residing in the 1970s?

ps. for obvious reasons, I'm a fakey vegetarian within the realm of the friendly skies. At least until they begin catering Wolfgang Puck.

If You're ___

... hungry: there's mushroom-and-pepper pizza in the freezer. It's right next to the frozen chili and the left-over barbecued ribs.

... thirsty: we may still have some secret Pacificos stashed behind the plastic bowl in the cabinet below the fancy toaster.

... antsy: Oskar's your buddy. If you time it just so you won't even need to bring a plastic bag -- just coax him right by the dumpster next to the barber shop.

... sleepy: try my pillow. It's tried-and-true and completely conducive to magical rest.

Back in a flash. Just in time for a deliciously lazy Sunday afternoon.

Found: Chapter Excerpt

Junior-year high-school English pays off in Crescenta Valley Park, and I'm able to identify Chapter IX from the Cliff's Notes version of The Great Gatsby.

Underlined snippets, courtesy of anonymous studier:

"....Nick is the only person besides 'Owl-Eyes' who has enough real feeling for the man to take an interest in giving him a decent burial."

"...Tom and Daisy who had fled to New York even before Gatsby was murdered, carelessly leaving the chaos they created to be straigthened out by others."

"In contrast, Nick expresses a desire to 'leave things in order' rather than just hoping they will take care of themselves."

"...but the essential element of the man, his intense spirituality, is missing."

"Mr. Gatz's copy of Gatsby's 'schedule' is especially important in that it places his son squarely in the American tradition."

And my very favorite:

"The word 'pandered' connotes the corruption of this 'last and greatest of human dreams,' the final moral that the ideal can never be realized in the gross materialism that has made a moral valley of ashes of the green freshness of America."

Huh. If Cliff's Notes is hiring, evidently all it takes is a fondness of hyperbole and extraordinary run-on-sentence skill.

Board Education

Recently garnered from a snow-inspired Trivial Pursuit session:

• Evidently, there is an FDA-acceptable threshold for rodent hair within packages of boxed pasta.
• Southerners like to call their greasy biscuit-lathering concoction redeye-gravy.
• "The Mezzanine" is a popular work of non-fiction focusing on ... shoelaces.
• The Seychelles might one day be engulfed by water.
• Sixty-eight percent of purchased novels reside in the Romance category.
• Manicurists sometimes have amychophobia.
• The Pathfinder was sent to Mars for a probe.

Soon there-after, gleaned from a bout with Scattergories:

• "Ambling" is deliciously under-used.
• Beer and butts are both cold.
• Fish that begin with the letter "i": ink-squid?
• Ligers are official animals.
• D-inspired terms of endearment are clearly not limited to "dear" and "darling."

Farmor Maja

Secret-seasoned ground beef patties with oodles of onions, thin-as-can-be pancakes with lingonberries and sugar, miniature shots of whiskey, home-made rolls with raspberry jam and the inspirational rhyming guest book.

Tulips and roses and lilies galore, old-fashioned table-cloths laden with silver, coffee cups and matching saucers and plain white envelopes with blue ball-point cursive script.

Radio as entertainment, newspapers devoured in their entirety, sunrooms filled with greens and perfectly sized cushions, and photos, photos, always photos.

Nine decades plus two-and-a-half years of infinite wisdom, savvy and grandmotherly brilliance.

Dangling earrings, heart-shaped jewelry and fingernails painted red.

Laughter. Smiles. And always knowing that you're there -- no matter where we are -- only a phone call away.

Nothing's changed, really.

We'll just whisper through the moonlight and dancing blooms instead.

Groucho Says

Even the most picture-perfect sunlit days can turn gray-ish and super-seriously-somber. Mostly, I think, to help us revel in the other 364.

Next time you're feeling a touch of old-man-Marx, smile -- if only briefly -- at his most fabulous -isms. You never know ... it might make you reconsider your brief spell -- if only involuntarily.

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying all the wrong remedies."

Monday Madness

... And then there's the non-serendipitous little things that add sunlight to mayhem.

Pandora.

Today's list of music I-already-love-and-only-just-discovered:

• Talk to me then -- The Mysteries of Life
• Cold roses -- Ryan Adams & the Cardinals
• Four eyed girl -- Rhett Miller
• Drama queen -- The Jason Sinay Band
• Lee Anna -- Johnny Lee
• One for the road -- Portastatic
• Careful what you say -- Rodney Crowell
• It's too late to say goodbye -- The Cash Brothers
• Aphorism -- Collin Herring
• All the best -- John Prine
• You win again -- Hank Williams
• US steel -- Tom Russell
• You -- Nils Lofgren

Non-Fat Chai Latte

The good news is that even without a kitchen countertop and accompanying percolating coffee pot -- there's a Starbucks around the corner.

Little did I know that my morning beverage would also attempt to make me ponder. Printed on the side of my venti cup-a-joe, was this:

"True story. Recently, I eavesdropped on a conversation between two twenty-something employees at a local Starbucks. I listened as the barista mused about his taste in music. Then the cashier asked him if he had ever heard the song "Strawberry Fields Forever." After a pause, the barista answered, "No, can't say I ever heard that one before." That's when I knew there really was such a thing as a generation gap." -- Mary Chapin Carpenter

I'm putting all age-related thoughts on hold. For now, I just want to listen to "Down at the Twist and Shout".

Mommy Knows Best

It's a toss-up.

Not sure what is less appealing: the logic resulting in driving with a baby in your lap, or the silly fact that this is evidently news-worthy enough to be jammed among budget talks and nuclear qualms.

Naturally, the obvious solution would be real-life-TiVo.

Imagine breezing through days, fast-forwarding the gray bits and zooming and pausing and replaying everything sparkly and pink.

Brings a whole new meaning to personalized content.

Just Say No

I confess: I wish I was preaching to the choir.

But sadly, it seems that mis-information spread by gargantuan "food" empires may sway those few teens who have successfully avoided the predatory call of fried-chicken-on-a-bun and burgers laden with trans-fats.

I know.

Fast is easy. Fast is quick. And fast is decidedly simple.

But fast is also fat.

So, time it: tossing mixed greens from a bag with miniature tomatoes and vinaigrette vs. idling at the drive-thru.

Me: 1; fast food of your choice: big fat zero.

Bits and Bites

So though I can't say I'm a fan of deconstructed Caesar salads with their miniature piles of Romaine lettuce leaves and minced anchovies -- music is a completely different story.

Recommendations are easy to come by. Especially the uncreative kind.

But taking apart the notes, peering between the accoustics and analyzing the countrified beats, now that's close to brilliance.

At least theoretically.

I'm thinking an Ebert-esque like approval should arrive only after thorough testing.

For now, I'm salivating at the thought of applying it to edibles. If a formula can divine what other crunchables I'd enjoy as much as Grapenuts, I'd purchase stock. Immediately.

Spring Cleaning

"Important Information For Shopping Cart Users

For cleaner, healthier neighborhoods free from abandoned shopping cart blight:

Glendale stores are now required to keep their shopping carts on store property. Customers are NO longer able to take store-owned carts home with them. This means, some customers may need to purchase their own personal carts, which can be found at many local stores.

For more information, call Neighborhood Services at (818) 548-3700."

I sense a pending revolution.

Ummm ...

So Oprah interrogates James Frey.

He sips water, slowly. Or so the Times reports.

He let her down. She apologizes to her loyal Book Club fans.

He sips water, slowly.

Fancy, national book critics say truth is important.

Of course it is.

But honestly, why all the hoopla? Leave the guy be. It's not his fault that he can write.

Just like Emeril turned couch-potatoes into masters of au gratin, perhaps Mr. Frey has encouraged a few to actually read.

Oskar-isms

If the old adage is true, then I'm brilliantly fortunate to be tied to my slobbering chocolate lab.

Usually mellow, sometimes deliriously happy and always exuberantly inquisitive -- his days are filled with a magical slow-ness that, I suspect, must lead to hourly epiphanies.

A few slivers:

1. Anything can be a toy -- including aluminum foil and athletic socks.
2. If all else fails, bark loudly.
3. Adding little, black bows to your attire works miracles with the ladies.
4. When in doubt, help out. A little white paint only adds sparkle to your appearance.
5. Hog the couch -- it's generally worth it.
6. Make sure you have a comfy bed.
7. If not -- it's OK to share with others.
8. Act super-excited for everyone that walks through the door.
9. Even if they've only been gone one minute.
10. Little luxuries are worth it -- especially if they're smoked.

On the menu: Casa Bianca.

Intoxication

• If you've never worked with primer before, consider applying two coats.
• Allowing kitchen doors to dry alongside billowing grasses and dog hair is less than ideal -- especially if the dog-as-culprit takes gingerly steps *not* to avoid the fresh coats.
• Life without a kitchen provides refreshing perspective.
• For example: it's possible to make a smoked turkey toasted bagel sandwich without using an actual utensil.
• Pacifico is by far the most drinkable beer.
• But red wine goes down easier.
• Grizzly bears were not meant to befriend man.
• Evidently, foxes were.

On the menu: Whole Foods miniature delights en masse.

Luxury

I think brands run the world. Or at least remind us -- far from gently -- that if Susie Q is wearing Sevens then Daisy O should reconsider her affinity for the Gap.

Fine.

But ponder this: desert islands and music selections aside, what if you had to choose one item, one thing, one subjectively miniature delight -- and toss the rest?

Think it through.

Tricky, isn't it?

I'll go first: fancy hair salons. Can't live without them. And yes, I'd trade a Saturday morning pampering session for my Prada bag any day.

Treo, anyone?

2006-Snippets-to-Date

• An over-abundance of flashlights is an oxymoron.
• Rx for perfect sleep: turn the heater off and wear chenille socks.
• Adding fresh oregano and thyme to rising pizza dough is brilliant.
• Best time to shop at Costco: 930am.
• Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.
• Taking home-improvement measurements is tricky.
• If a geographic location could talk, Lake Tahoe would gently whisper: "Live. Breathe. Love. Be. Here."
• The universe sometimes sends you literal ducks in a row.
• Sunday morning scrambled eggs and buttery toast are impossible to beat.

On the menu: broccoli pasta with basil-infused olive oil and red pepper flakes.

Verbatims

Princess Malin: Hello, I'm calling to follow up on my forwarded mail.
Disgruntled Office Post Employee [scrambled for obvious reasons]: What?
PM: I'm calling to check up on my forwarded mail.
DOPE: OK?
PM: I'm still getting mail at my old address, but I received the change confirmation at my new address.
DOPE: So?
PM: Well, I'm just concerned that it's not working properly.
DOPE: Oh. Well, yeah. Your mail carrier was out "sick" and he forgot to tell his sub that your mail had to be stopped.
PM: Um, OK. So now it's fixed?
DOPE: Yeah.
PM: OK, what about junk mail. Nobody is living at my old adress, so I don't want any junk mail delivered either.
DOPE: Why?
PM: Because it will be obvious that nobody is home.
DOPE: The mail carrier will make that determination.
PM: What?
DOPE: The mail carrier will make that determination.
PM: I don't understand what that means.
DOPE: The mail carrier will decide if someone is living there or not.
PM: Um, but I'm telling you right now that it's my house and I'm not living there and I don't want junk mail delivered.
DOPE: The mail carrier will make that determination.
PM: So please let me know if this assumption is correct: my mail will be forwarded starting today. And my old address will no longer receive junk mail.
DOPE: Yeah. That's what I said.
PM: So what ... [insert dial tone.]

The DOPE hung up on me.

Think that means he's telling my mail carrier to start the determination-making-process?

Once Upon a Time

I think I was eleven. Uneven pigtails and big pink bows were my trademarks. And any pastel-colored Lacoste shirt that I deftly tucked into my plaid pants or jeans.

Back then, everyone participated in school plays. It was a given. Probably because most of us were too young to be super-shy or -- in my case -- too happy-go-lucky to even consider that acting would never be my forte.

But thanks to Het Nederlands Lyceum, this abruptly changed the day I was cast as a policeman. Not a cop -- but a tall-hat wearing, good old fashioned British enforcer for the law.

In the first scene, I was told to "patrol" the stage. So I did. Not even seven steps into my exaggerated and decidedly over-the-top march, the "director" sighed, covered his face with his hands, and as gently as possible, instructed me to just stand still.

To this day, I'm terrible at feigning anything. I'm ridiculously easy to read, insanely chatter-box-like and definitely in the camp of putting it all out there. And although I'll never make it on the big screen, I'm deliciously thankful for what I learned in The Hague: be how you are.

Alluring magic, star-studded glitter and inspirational characters will naturally come your way.

Edification

• Airport stores actually process returns. Seriously.
• Top three in the soup world: roast herb-and-olive-oil seasoned veggies; mash or puree; add 3 cups of water and a bouillon cube. Simply superb.
• Spanish frittatas taste better generously sprinkled with red pepper flakes.
• Bath-tub non-slip-mats should be hung up to dry after each use. Trust me.
• Chocolate labs have bad days, too.
• There is such a thing as too many Christmas songs.
• Salvation Army bell-ringers really, really love their instruments.
• Take the high road.
• Spa-pedicures are so worth the extra four bucks.
• Red wine and garlic salami pairs exceptionally with multi-grain bread.
• Trader Joe's honey mustard beats Gray Poupon.
• We're not the only species addicted to down comforters.